'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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