I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
