I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
