Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
