I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
