she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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