Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I love you.
Bad choice
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
