so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
