I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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