Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
