you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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