I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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