I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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