the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
