Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
