Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
