dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
