come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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