I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
