im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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