what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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