I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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