So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
