Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
