don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
