i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize