she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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