the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
