I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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