GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
