I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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