I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
