I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
