Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize