Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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