I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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