I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
