OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
