the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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