If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
