Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
