i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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