It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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