So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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