Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
im six kinds of drunk right now
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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