Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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