well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
