Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
