I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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