Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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