i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
