Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
