I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize