Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
