U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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