so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just invented taco cereal.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
