i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize