i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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