actually, I'm a sock model
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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