I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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