He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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