I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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