I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
