i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
