one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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