god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize