If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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