How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
