well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
