I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
