Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
