I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
