If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
