It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize